I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love with a snarky stranger

Have you read the Black Lace submissions page? OMG I laughed my freakin' ass off. It was written, or so it says, by Adam Neville, self identified as "Erotica Editor". I want this dude to edit my manuscripts if only for the laughs I'm sure I would get from his astute comments. Because I'm not disparaging him or the submissions page. Au contraire. I think it is fabulous, and he says what a lot of us are feeling about erotica and erotic romance these days. Let me just throw out a few choice quotes from Mr. Neville.

"...we should remember that a large number of our readers will be very discerning and highly literate. We mustn’t patronise them."

SK: Thank you as a reader.

"You cannot earn a living writing for Black Lace."

SK says: fill in the blank on that one for most writers. This is true of the majority of publishers.

"Just because it is erotica, that is no excuse for lazy characterisation."

SK: Did I mention that I love him?

"You don’t have to be wearing the stereotypical leather catsuit and high heels (yawn) in order to exercise sexual dominance. Surprise is everything. For instance, it’s ruder to take your knickers off in a supermarket than at an ‘orgy’."

SK: Okay, I like this one just because he says 'knickers'. That is adorable.

"...we should aim higher than producing stories about well-endowed couples shagging."

SK: Snorted my coffee on that one since we're in a shagalicious mood these days. ;-)

"If you do not understand the difference between consensual SM and domestic violence or abuse, please do not submit your story to Black Lace. We will not publish a novel that suggests women enjoy being subjugated to men outside of fun, consenting sexual roleplay."

SK: This goes back to a discussion we had here after one of Eliza's posts, about writers who write BDSM but don't understand it and obviously haven't researched it. This is a real problem, I think, as this subgenre becomes more popular among readers.

"One thing of which I’m dubious is a sex scene where female orgasm happens solely (and often immediately) by means of penetration. Some form of clitoral stimulation is nearly always necessary for female orgasm to occur[.]"

SK: His wife is so lucky. Do you think she realizes how lucky she is? Seriously, not many men get this. I know I grabbed one who did, thank God. Don't let these guys get away, ladies.

"People do not think about their ‘glans’ and ‘labia’ when they’re horny. In fact, you’ll have a job finding a guy who has ever said ‘glans’[.]"

SK: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

"Not every clit or cock has to be ‘engorged’ and ‘pulsating’. Body parts only throb when they’re injured."

SK: Again, LOLOLOLOLOLOL. Ouch. I admit I've been guilty of this. From now on, anything swollen that throbs will receive an ouch in editing.

SK: He put the following in bold, not me. But I agree. YUK. He makes a point of saying just the words hard or wet will work. Readers get it. And he's right. Sometimes less is more.

"[...]we want to take the ‘YUK’ factor out of Black Lace sex scenes. Our readers do not want endless references to ‘sopping vaginas’ and ‘semen-filled cunts’. Please, a little more decorum!"

"The standard of material that comes into our offices is also nothing short of appalling, with under 10% of it having the remotest chance of being published."

SK: Now this is just sad. Perhaps if he didn't have the part about not making a living writing for them...but I bet this is the case with almost every publisher out there. There's been a lot of talk, I'd say recently but I think it's a standard discussion, about slush piles at pubs. Most don't have them now and won't read them. And this is why. It's a Catch-22, and I don't know how to solve the problem. I think it's like one of those unsolvable physics problems. I don't think it's fair that publishers and editors now expect agents to vet their submissions, which requires that writers get an agent, which means that you have a third party interferring between a writer and an editor, who may never get together even though the editor may love a manuscript the agent hates. But, I also can see the dilemma facing publishers and editors with a monumental pile of unsolicited submissions taking up more time than editing contracted works, which is really their priority, or should be. So nobody's at fault, except perhaps the system.

So, don't tell Mr. Kane or Mr. Neville (whom I have never seen and do not know) but I have a crush. On him. The oh so snarky English Erotica Editor. Le sigh.